Mostly I've Recieved

As this year comes to a furiously fast close, I’m forced to review my time here.  I’m desperately trying to slow down, find closure, and not just skip to the part of, “I’M HOME!”. As the countdown gets to the teens and now single digits, I’m realizing my restlessness more and more.  I know great change is on the horizon. I can see it. I can feel it. I’ve had an expiration date from the beginning and so as it draws nearer my restlessness and longing for home grows. The more I closely examine my time here and the more I attempt to find closure, the more I find I’m not ready.  Sure, my brain has known this day would come.  I knew change was inevitable, but how could I measure or anticipate that 10 months ago? I’m torn.  Part of me longs and dreams of going home, and the other part desperately clings to staying.  Perhaps the hardest part is knowing these goodbyes I’m saying could very well be final. I’ve been asked over and over by my local friends, “Are you coming back?”, and all I can say is, “I don’t know. I want to return someday, but Saya tidak tau [I don’t know]”. 

When I step off the plane next Thursday, May 11, don’t expect me to be the same as when I left 10 months ago. Don’t expect me to your “normal”.  I’ve experienced far more than I can possibly explain and you will not be able to relate. And you know what? That’s ok. I know you won’t be able to really get my story, to comprehend the extent of my experience. Please, don’t try and pretend like you do. I’d rather be told, “Wow, you know I really cannot relate or understand your experience but praise the Lord, He [God] can.” Or maybe “That’s a beautiful experience! I’m so glad you thrived there.” I will try my best to be humble and loving towards everyone but I ask forgiveness in advance for any short temper I show. For any foul attitude I may throw your way.  Please be gentle with me. I wish I could explain what culture shock is like, the stress it inflicts on me emotionally, and mentally. But unless you’ve walked through it, it’s impossible to describe. Honestly, you can’t go wrong with wrapping me in a bear hug.  No words are even needed, just showing that you care is enough.  But if you want to ask questions, some appropriate questions would be:

 “How are you adjusting to life and culture here in America?” I know I will struggle tremendously with American culture. The fashion, the apathy, the politics, the individualistic lifestyle, the selfishness, the list goes on and on. Everything is so different compared to here.

Or ask, “I’d love to hear about life in Indonesia! How about we go to a café and chat? Does _[Insert day/time here] work?”

If you would like to see more appropriate questions, go to Paige’s blog post titled: Asking all the wrong questions, and how to ask the right ones. Go to writtenpaigesite.wordpress.com

I desperately want to share my stories and my experiences so please don’t hesitate in asking to hear my stories! But also be aware, I can’t possibly sum up 10 months into 5 minutes of small talk at church, or if you run into me wandering overwhelmed at Walmart. So if you ask, “How was it?” I may just blankly stare at you and croak, “...Fine…” (see above for better questions).

And to any previous student missionary that may be reading this, I’m sorry for my attitude towards you when you returned home. I know I did exactly what I’m asking people to avoid.  And even after this year, I can only relate slightly to what your experience was like. Thank you for being patient with me when I asked you all the wrong questions, or when my apathy towards your mission life made your culture shock worse.

So as an attempt to find closure and to help people back home understand the thoughts that are swirling in my head I wrote this poem, if you will. It captures, in a very small nutshell, my experiences here.  

Mostly I’ve Received

I've lived with plenty

I’ve lived with nothing

I've knocked down barriers

I've survived in luxury

I've thrived in poverty

I’ve been continuously outside my comfort zone

I've been spared through earthquakes

I’ve been protected from drunk men

I've see the mouths of snakes closed

I've made mistakes

I've been forgiven

I've tasted Amazing Grace

I've shared God

I’ve been shown God

I've poured prayer over demon possession

I've heard the Trinity

I've felt Jesus’ hands

I've seen the Holy Spirit and witnessed Him moving

I've seen Angels

I've seen the demons of my past and present

I've casted out strongholds and broken soul ties

I’ve pulled deep rooted evils from my heart

I've been redeemed

I’ve been set free

I've been baptized in water

I've been baptized in Spirit

I've planted

I've harvested

I've had sleepless nights

I’ve had weary days

I've pushed my body to the limit

I've been fed when I was hungry and given drink when I was thirsty

I’ve been proud

I’ve been humbled

I've been up front and in the crowd

I've loved

I've hated

I've been in extreme pain

I've found extreme joy

I've taught, nursed, served, and given, but mostly

I’ve received.